50 Worst Movies with Reviews (10-6)

10. Monster a Go-Go (1965)

Monster a Go-Go is just a really cheaply put together film with an awful title and the worst ending to ever be put on film. The plot concerns an astronaut who disappears from his crash-landing and is somehow changed into a mutant monster with some terrible make-up. But the joy of this film comes from how it is structured.

Halfway through the film nearly all the cast completely changes, though the characters are nearly the same. It’s because they switched producers halfway through filming and couldn’t get the original cast back. It’s a very obvious continuity error.

I already blogged about the ending once but I can’t help but complain even more about it. They’re cornering the monster inside this one tunnel and then they come to the end of the tunnel and there’s nothing there. What the hell? Then they get a telegram saying that the astronaut was found and is recovering. And then the narrator implies that there wasn’t actually a monster, which makes no sense and is extremely stupid. This is the closing narration: “As if a switch had been turned, as if an eye had been blinked, as if some phantom force in the universe had made a move eons beyond our comprehension, suddenly, there was no trail! There was no giant, no monster, no thing called "Douglas" to be followed. There was nothing in the tunnel but the puzzled men of courage, who suddenly found themselves alone with shadows and darkness! With the telegram, one cloud lifts, and another descends. Astronaut Frank Douglas, rescued, alive, well, and of normal size, some eight thousand miles away in a lifeboat, with no memory of where he has been, or how he was separated from his capsule! Then who, or what, has landed here? Is it here yet? Or has the cosmic switch been pulled? Case in point: The line between science fiction and science fact is microscopically thin! You have witnessed the line being shaved even thinner! But is the menace with us? Or is the monster gone?”

I don’t get it.

9. Jason X (2001)

I first heard of Jason X and I thought it was a joke. Jason from the Friday the 13^th franchise finds himself in space killing people. The plot just screams lack of creativity and so does the rest of the movie.

Ok. So Jason is captured and then just so we can have this shocking reveal, a guard throws a blanket over his face. More army people come in and they remove the blanket and it’s the dead guard. Wow. Didn’t see that coming. Jason goes on killing some people until he chases a woman into some kind of cryogenically freezing room. She puts him in his little pod thing that is freezing him, but he breaks it so the entire room becomes cryogenically frozen. Centuries later a team finds these people and this is when two horrible realities begin to sink in:

            1. These stupid obnoxious characters are the protagonists of the film

2. This film pulls out a bunch of tricks from the future, bending the rules of reality to a point in which it is incredibly stupid and cannot be taken seriously

What I mean by the last point is that when they open the pod, Jason falls down and his machete cuts a dude’s arm off. Then they give him something and he grows it back.

On the ship headed to Earth 2 (ugh, I know) the leader of the people wants to study Jason and see how he was able to survive all that shit and be the most notorious killer of all time and they revive the woman. Naturally, Jason is revived (while people are having sex, of course) and he kills a woman in a somewhat cool way actually.

From this moment on it’s your average slasher schlock. But it’s not, it’s so much worse. The dialogue is pitiful; it has the worst one-liners I’ve ever heard, actually worse than Batman & Robin (albeit fewer). The special effects are sad. They’re not even on-par with a Sci-Fi Channel original movie or show. I guess now it’s Sy-Fy but whatever.

It’s notable that this movie features the dumbest person ever in a film. Jason comes to him and then stops and takes back his old machete. And then the dude’s all like “Oh, you only wanted your machete? Hey everyone, come on back, it’s alright, he was just killing everyone because he didn’t know where his machete was!” Needless to say he gets killed.

Another stupid scene that connects with number 2 in my horrible realizations comes when two dudes are walking around with guns. They’re attacked by a monster. I saw this monster and I burst out laughing; words can’t describe how bad it looked. Then it turns out it’s a virtual reality video game. Oh. Well that’s stupid. And of course, Jason comes in and they think he’s part of the virtual reality until he cuts someone in half.

There’s a showdown between this female android and Jason and she actually kicks his ass while spouting really bad one-liners.

To this date this is the only Friday the 13^th movie I’ve seen and it’s just fucking horrible.

8. Batman & Robin (1997)

Speaking of Batman and Robin, this is commonly said to be the worst movie ever made. The director even apologized for it.

As if Batman Forever wasn’t campy enough, this basically goes for straight-up comedy, trying to mirror the tv show. Now I like the Batman tv show. It’s stupid but there’s something undoubtedly charming about it. Nothing is likable in this movie.

It contains the worst dialogue ever written. Everyone always complains about Mr. Freeze’s (Arnold Schwarzenegger) one-liners. Virtually everything he says is an icy pun. A few examples: “Cool party”, “What killed the dinosaurs? The ice age!”, “Alright, everyone, chill”, and believe me, there are plenty of others. But then there’s the unnecessary sexual puns by Poison Ivy (Uma Thurman) and the constant whining by Robin (Chris O’Donnell). The opening scene sets the tone for a ridiculously awful movie by zooming in on the infamous bat-nipples and bat-asses on the suits and then the first line of the movie from Robin comes: “I want a car. Chicks dig the car.” And then Batman (George Clooney) replies: “This is why Superman worked alone.”

If you aren’t pulling your hair out throughout the majority of this movie, you are not human. In addition to the dialogue and the bottom of the barrel performances by everyone involved (including Alicia Silverstone playing an American-accented young woman from Britain) the production values are just flat-out lazy. I’m not sure I’ve seen a worse green-screen effect when Alicia Silverstone is hanging from the thing, and that’s including old ‘50s movies where they show people driving. After Mr. Freeze tries to freeze the entire earth or whatever, a policeman opens his car door and the icicles on his door noticeably bend and bounce around like they were made of rubber. Interesting.

Another moment this film is frequently criticized for is the infamous Bat credit card. Batman and Robin get into an auction for Poison Ivy and Batman tops Robin by taking out his Bat credit card, complete with cash register sound effect like it’s the beginning of the Pink Floyd song “Money”.

The fight choreography is pathetic. In one scene when Clooney is kicking someone, you can clearly see that his foot isn’t coming close to the dude’s head.

There are more reasons than are able to be counted as to why everyone hates this movie.

7. Epic Movie (2007)

If you like references to other good, successful films, people falling down, people getting hit by stuff and then falling down, random cultural references completely lacking in satire, poor celebrity impersonations, predictable jokes, and jokes repeated about thirty or forty times throughout the movie, then you’ll probably enjoy Epic Movie, made by the postmodern Ed Woods: Friedberg and Seltzer.

Where do I begin? I’ve only seen this film once and there’s no doubt that unless I’m put into a North Korean prison camp, I’ll never see it again. I’m just going to list a few things that happen.

A terrible impersonation of Paris Hilton walks out of a store holding a small dog, says “I’m hot” and then a person falls on her. There’s a goat dude who for whatever reason has the movie Scarface on like 30 different tvs in his house. There are the three characters from Harry Potter but they’re all like 40 years old; they fall down. There’s a talking beaver and a woman kicks it, sending it flying through the air into a tree. There’s a terrible Da Vinci Code joke about Tom Hanks’s hair. Someone gets knocked down by a locker opening.

Because there is a God, the movie ends, but not until one of the most disturbing images I have ever seen pops on the screen. A terrible impersonation of Borat moons the fucking audience.

Friedberg and Seltzer have unfortunately gone on to make more, possibly worse films. I don’t know if that’s possible but I am avoiding their follow-up films because of that possibility.

This isn’t even good as a bad movie. It just lingers in your memory and just disturbs the hell out of you. Nothing is funny in it. Literally. I did not laugh once in the theater. I cringed and went “ewww” a hell of a lot more times, that’s for certain.

6. Troll 2 (1990)

An entire documentary has been made on this film being the worst ever made. That’s not too far off.

The plot is that this family goes on a vacation to this town called Nilbog (“Goblin” backwards) and they are encountered by the townspeople who are actually goblins in disguise, who want nothing more than to eat them, but in order to eat them they need to get them to eat green food which turns them into plants. Fuck it; there is no plot.
The boy has this telepathic connection to his dead grandpa or uncle or something and they both know there are goblins (not trolls, as the title implies) out and about. He tells him that they can’t eat any of the food. So the boy pees on their dinner table, all over the green food. Following this is my favorite line of the movie: “You can’t piss on hospitality!”

There are a lot of memorable scenes in this film. There’s that nerdy dude who realizes that “they’re eater her, and then they’re going to eat me! Oh my God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” If you haven’t seen that clip, then you probably have never been on YouTube; it’s been uploaded like five thousand times. There’s the corn on the cob sex scene where the evil Goblin witch transforms into a hot women and starts making out with a boy while they both eat corn on the cob. You may think it’ll make sense if you see it, but trust me, it doesn’t.

This is easily one of the worst-made movies I’ve ever seen. The acting, plot, and goblin costumes are good for some hearty laughs though.

50 Worst Movies with Revies (15-11)

15. Jaws 3 (1983)

Jaws never should have had a sequel. It was a flawless movie and virtually sequel-proof, unless they just did the exact same plot again, which they did with Jaws 2. But here they decided to mix things up and have the shark attack a SeaWorld in the third installment. It’s as ridiculous as it sounds.

It was filmed to be 3D so it has some moments that just look absolutely ridiculous. There’s the part in the opening scene where the shark bites a fish in half which floats around in circles, opening and closing its mouth a bit. No doubt this is a cheap 3D ploy but it goes on forever and it’s just so stupid.

All the characters suck and all the kills suck. Someone is killed while closing a gate underwater and someone is killed in bumber boats, just to name a few.

The effects are laughable. There’s the scene where the shark swims into this underwater glass tunnel and it looks just awful. It’s like a completely static shark but it hits the glass and it shatters and a bunch of people get trapped underwater.

And the climax is one of the most hilarious things I’ve ever seen. The shark infiltrates this one underwater control center (with a person still in its mouth) and the two main characters try to hide while in their scuba suits. Eventually Dennis Quaid sees in the shark’s mouth that the person stuck in there has a grenade attached, so he pulls it with a pole thing and the shark explodes.

14. North (1994)

Film critic Roger Ebert’s most hated movie, North really has to be seen to be believed. Everything about it is just messed up. It’s a kid’s movie but is surprisingly disturbing in its stereotypes and overall heartlessness. And it’s obnoxious as well.

The plot is that a young Elijah Wood is sick of his parents and he auctions himself off to another family. He’s picked up by stereotype after stereotype including a Texas couple that sings to him in the rhythm of the “Bonanza” theme song and a family of Alaskans who live in an igloo and watch TV on a block of ice and for whatever reason send kind of old people off to die before their time, sort of a Lord of the Rings Undying Lands type thing.

The villain of this film comes out of nowhere. It turns out to be the kid who publishes the article by Elijah Wood. He ends up being pure evil actually, for reasons I can’t explain.

And don’t forget Bruce Willis in the movie. We first encounter Mr. Willis when he’s in a bunny suit. He turns up wherever Elijah Wood goes, for unexplained reasons, seemingly playing different characters.

13. Ed (1996)

It says a lot when Matt LeBlanc is out-acted in a film by a fake chimpanzee. Ed is one of those animal-plays-sport movies in the style of Air Bud and needless to say, it sucks.

One of the strangest things about this movie is that it kind of tries to be a serious friendship between the chimp and LeBlanc. The tagline for the film is “Minor Leagues. Major Friendship.” That’s strange. Usually a tagline for a film like this would be a cheap pun about “monkeying around” or “going bananas”.

Fuck this movie. It’s a random mess of jokes that don’t work and images that will leave you confused as to what just happened for hours. In one scene the mechanical chimpanzee—in a PG film, mind you—even gives the finger.

12. Super Mario Brothers (1993)

It’s an adaptation that rivals that of Beowulf in terms of its unfaithfulness. Bob Hoskins (British) and John Leguizamo (Hispanic of some kind) play the Italian plumbers Mario and Luigi. They leave from the normal dimension to the fucked-up dimension and have to save a princess from the evil Koopa.

Yes, Koopa. Not Bowser, Koopa. Koopa is basically a man with a tiny bit of reptilian make-up thrown in at the last minute, and he’s of course played by Dennis Hopper. A memorable performance to be sure.

Another interesting contradiction from the games are the Goombas. Goombas in the Mario universe are of course basically big heads with tiny or no bodies, and just feet. Here they’re played by giants but with tiny heads. Literally the exact opposite of what’s in the games.

There’s also Yoshi, who slightly resembles a velociraptor and certainly has none of the cartoonish characteristics that one would expect. In a moment of unnecessary violence, Yoshi actually eats one of the villains. No, not by pulling them in with his tongue, swallowing them, and laying an egg. By eating them.

Overall an extremely misguided film. Judging by the cliffhanger ending—a poorly constructed scene that makes no sense and tacks on a stupid theme about “needing to believe”—there were supposed to be sequels, but this was such a fucking mistake that the filmmakers appeared to have learned.

11. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993)

I could never outdo James Rolfe (aka the Angry Video Game Nerd) in his ripping this film of a new asshole, so I’m not going to try too hard.

This film sucks, though. It completely abandons the whole Shredder plot (you know, what made the first two movies good) and adopts a ridiculous time travel plot which sends the turtles back to ancient Japan.

Ninja turtles in ancient Japan. Makes sense…

The turtles are first revealed dancing ridiculously to “Can’t Stop Rocking” by ZZ Top. Not much to say.

Most notable in this movie is the awful dialogue, full of pointless cultural references and corny jokes. Among the notable lines are “It’s Star Trek time, guys”; “It’s hammer time” when a turtle hits a bad dude over the head; “You were expecting maybe the Addams family?”; “I think I swallowed a frog; I hope it wasn’t an ancestor”; “Legorama!” and the list goes on and on. Now it’s a TMNT movie so you may be able to excuse the corny jokes if there’s some decent action. But there’s not. Not at all. The action sucks and there’s very little of it.

If you want to see a funny video review of it which accurately portrays the offensiveness of this movie, check out this link: http://cinemassacre.com/2007/01/25/tmnt-part-1/

Poetry

These are the first two poems I'm bothering to post in my blog. Whatever.

Stephen's Song
A net was thrown around me at my birth,
Government-issued, signed by a king
Even though I listen to only two men; the King is not Italian.
    I want to cut out to soar past these nets,
As a child skipping school to go frolic in the green hills.
As a child I discovered love and all its bitterness and
Frustration. Maybe I'll find a love more true
That makes me feel pure,
But I've stopped waiting for things to come to me,
I go towards life in all three of its forms:
The earth in its naturalistic beauty,
The fire with my determination,
The water with my love for it.
   I've made no mistakes; I take the lamp,
With others watching, I cut myself out.
I'm free, free to soar nearly as high as I wish.
Sum liber.

 The Ballad of Molly
Morning flowers never seem to make it to the afternoon,
Integrity shaken and beauty damaged,
I'm now a weed stretched in two directions,
Hearing the promises of my youth but seeing the lies of my reality.
I sleep for eternity, yes, because I have no reason to awake,
Yes, I've dug my own grave the shape of a bed, yes,
And I don't know who else will be buried with me,
Yes, but a grave never looked so inviting, yes, it came to me
With a smile, yes, and a question, yes, with two answers,
Yes, and what did I say?
Yes.

50 Worst Movies with Reviews (20-16)

20. The Master of Disguise (2002)

The movie that single-handedly destroyed Dana Carvey’s career, I remember being a fairly young lad and seeing advertisements for this and thinking it looked hilarious. I went to the theater and saw this and was absolutely stunned at how awful I was. And this was when I like 95% of movies that I saw in the theaters.

So what’s so bad about it? In short, everything. The humor is juvenile even for a kids’ movie, all the running jokes are incredibly awkward and unfunny, and the moments that illicit a small grin from the audience are brief and completely overshadowed by all the groans.

The running jokes are poorly done and no less than disturbing. Dana Carvey has a really weird obsession with butts and there’s almost like this Oedipus complex thing implied. And then there’s a joke about how he’s really hairy and this comes up multiple times.

The movie slightly redeems itself when Dana Carvey does impressions, but really the film truly sucks even with those.

19. Bride of the Monster (1955)

Edward D. Wood, Jr. He is said by many people to be the WORST director of all time, perhaps rivaled only by Coleman Francis and Uwe Boll. His budgets were incredibly low and his bloopers incredibly many.

Bride of the Monster is his first monster movie and it is flat-out great. It stars Bela Lugosi as a mad doctor who wants to create a “rice of pipple” which will take over the world. I think he means race of people but it’s so difficult. He has his assistant played by Tor Johnson (in the first of multiple appearances for him on this list), a strange mute half-giant monster man help him. There’s not much of a plot.

The best creature though in this film is easily the giant octopus, which never moves though it manages to kill multiple people. Literally it kills people by not moving. When a person is attacked by the octopus, they lie in it and move around, using their hands to move the octopus’s tentacles. It’s not done in a clever way so as to hide this fact, either.

The sets are also interesting. There’s the really weird room with a stairway that is never used. There’s the laboratory which shakes in its entirety when Tor Johnson can’t quite fit through the door, again, left in the film.

Lugosi frequently whips Tor though it is painfully obvious that no force is being applied whatsoever.

It’s certainly a funny movie and I recommend it, but it’s not Ed Wood’s best (worst).

18. The Pink Panther 2 (2009)

The Pink Panther films never should have been remade. There is quite literally no one on earth who could even compare to Peter Sellers’s portrayal of the bumbling Jacques Clouseau, the greatest comedic performance in film history. That having been said, the first Steve Martin Pink Panther film was at least tolerable.

This one is not. It’s just an hour and a half of Steve Martin making an idiot out of himself in front of the camera with no humor whatsoever. He starts a building on fire, gets flung across the entire city of Paris, etc. None of it’s funny and all of it’s annoying.

The film sets up a plot of multiple detective geniuses coming together from different countries, and of course, Clouseau is one of them. The stereotypes are offensive and not funny. Martin is scolded multiple times for his lack of political correctness in his racist and sexist comments, which is both screaming for laughs and something that wouldn’t have been included in the original films. The fact that this is a running joke just disgusts me. See, there’s a right way to make it funny that your protagonist is politically correct and not with the times (see Austin Powers). This is not it, folks.

Again this film pushes the limits of how much sexual humor you can have in a PG film, but what’s the point? It’s not funny.

17. Grizzly (1976)

The most shameless rip-off of a film that I’ve ever seen, Grizzly would simply not have been made had Jaws not been the huge success that it was. Even the fucking poster resembles Jaws’s poster!

So it’s Jaws with an 18-foot tall grizzly bear in the woods with terrible acting, horrendous dialogue, and no subtlety.

Two hikers are killed in the opening scene, the bear having torn down a cabin to get to them. The ranger and a photographer go and check it out. Eventually they find out it’s some kind of prehistoric grizzly bear previously thought to have been extinct.

There are plenty of kills. They argue about shutting down the park or not. They say no until a kid is brutally mutilated, and then they finally shut the park down. Completely original, I know.

There’s even a scene with the three people who are tracking down the bear at a bonfire that resembles the haunting USS Indianapolis monologue delivered by Quint in Jaws. Here, like the rest of the film, it’s just laughable.

With such a poorly constructed film, whenever it wants the viewer to feel tension or excitement, I must politely disagree.

The ending is strange and yes, I’m giving it away here, it’s worth it. One of the main characters is attacked while on horse and the horse is killed and he’s unconscious or whatever. He wakes up and is partially buried and then the bear kills him. What was the point of all of that? Why wasn’t he just killed right away? The two guys left track the bear on helicopter, find him and land, and the bear attacks the helicopter. The bear kills one more dude and then the last guy fires a bazooka that kills it.

16. The Beast of Yucca Flats (1961)

A Coleman Francis film, some consider this to be the absolute WORST film ever made. I think that’s a little too far but it is hilarious just how awful it is.

The film opens with a credits scene of a woman being murdered after a shower. Never again is this explained and it has nothing to do with the rest of the plot.

Tor Johnson is back as an ex-Soviet who is apparently bringing information to the US. The worst thing about the film is the narration. There’s narration just about all the time and most of it makes no sense. Usually it’s just to explain something that whoever wrote this bullshit didn’t know how to explain through action or dialogue, but sometimes it’s just a series of random words. If you’ve seen Mystery Science Theater 3000 do this, then you may recall the line “Flag on the moon,” which comes out of nowhere.

Tor Johnson is attacked by KGB dudes and he escapes into the desert which apparently was a nuclear test site. The radiation turns him into said beast of Yucca Flats and he’s on a murderous rampage for the rest of the movie.

The police are after him. So much so that they don’t mind shooting at innocent people. In a scene that goes on for far too long, a character who is at this point unnamed is shot and injured and then shot at and shot at and shot at by a person who thinks it’s Tor. Might I point out that Tor Johnson is basically the most distinct-looking person who ever lived and he doesn’t in a way resemble this man?

There’s so much wrong with this film. Primarily though, it makes no sense. Even with the narration which most of the movie spells things out for the audience, I still could not tell you what’s going on for most of the movie.