35. Anaconda (1997)
Nothing good could possibly come out of the film Anaconda. It’s your generic Jaws rip-off with stereotypical characters who you want to see die and the worst accent ever in a Hollywood film, by Jon Voight. It also stars Jennifer Lopez and Ice Cube. With that cast alone, you can’t expect a good movie.
There’s these people going around on a boat and they come across this giant 40-foot-long anaconda that kills people. Some of the most frustrating scenes come when you see the anaconda going through the water after killing someone and you can see the people it’s eaten in the indentations of its belly. Just really stupid.
There’s this one asshole who’s always golfing for some reason. He gets killed.
Jon Voight plays the role of Quint and eventually everyone hates him. So in the climactic scene he gets eaten and then regurgitated. And then he blinks. Why? I don’t know.
Another thing that bothers me about this movie is how unrealistic the snake acts. I know Jaws isn’t like a shark documentary or anything but it’s well documented that snakes eat things that are absolutely huge and then just don’t eat for months. They just lie around in the sun. But who needs realism? This is Anaconda.
34. Deep Blue Sea (1999)
I struggle to believe that the filmmakers were serious when they made this movie. One of those many killer shark movies, this one has the distinction of having genetically-mutated sharks. While being genetically mutated or whatever, the shark bites a dude who has to be sent flight for life in a huge storm. He’s hanging below the helicopter for some reason in the fucking storm. I know it’s tradition and all to have flight-for-life people hanging from below but come on, a gust of wind could blow this guy away!
Eventually he does get thrown into the giant window and it cracks in some of the worst special effects I’ve ever seen and the sharks are free.
There’s a plethora of memorable characters. There’s Samuel L. Jackson. There’s the cook who has a parrot. And then there’s Thomas Jane, playing a guy who apparently is a ninja in the water and enjoys riding with sharks.
The movie’s awful. Laughable characters, special effects, dialogue, et cetera.
33. Dude, Where’s My Car? (2000)
I believe this was probably the first stoner movie I ever saw and…well, it sucks. Ashton Kutcher and Sean William Scott make two of the least likable leads I’ve ever seen. I remember seeing the poster for this movie and I’m like “that’s the title?” I thought it was really funny actually that an entire movie was made off of that concept, but it turns out that it sucks.
This movie throws a bunch of really stupid stuff on the screen and hope you let your IQ at the door. There's a stoner dog. There's a trannie stripper. There's aliens for some reason. There are Breast-Enhancement Necklaces. It's really hard to not feel dumber after watching this movie.
32. Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (1989)
This is truly where the rehashed Michael Myers story COMPLETELY loses steam. While being stupid, Halloween 4 is at least a little entertaining. Here, there's nothing.
The film desperately tries to make it seem that it isn't your basic serial killer movie by throwing in a horribly explained psychic connection that young Jamie has with Michael Myers. She can like read his thoughts or something, kind of like Harry Potter and Voldemort. But she's mute also, due to trauma. Trauma from what? From being pursued by Michael Myers or from killing her own stepmother? Oh never mind, this movie never mentions the latter incident.
This film might have the least interesting characters I've ever seen. All the teenagers have no personalities and are just incredibly annoying, so of course it's no surprise that they're all killed off. But most annoying of all, they all play tricks on each other and there are so many false-climaxes in which one of the teens is wearing a Michael Myers costume that you'll literally be pulling your hair.
Michael Myers chases Jamie in a car eventually, which just feels wrong, even if he was driving faster than 5 miles per hour. Then there's your typical confrontation in the house, Donald Pleasance arrives on the scene, and Michael Myers is thrown in prison, still wearing his mask. And then the worst cliffhanger ending ever happens, in which this one guy busts into the police station and helps Michael escape. The cliffhanger, other than being incredibly stupid, goes on to do two other horrible things: inspire the next Halloween movie, which arguably is the final nail in the coffin of Michael Myers (though I found it more entertaining than this movie personally), and it started Paul Rudd's career. I guess the latter is forgivable though.
31. Rocky V (1990)
The Rocky movies really started getting stupid with the third one. Rocky III was the first movie in the series to deviate from the realities of boxing. I like both Rocky III and Rocky IV, but I view them as action movies. Rocky III is ridiculously entertaining and Rocky IV is dumb, guilty pleasure patriotic fun. Rocky V is horrendous.
Rocky gets back from Russia and his son is now miraculously ten years older since when he left, played by Sylvester Stallone's real-life son, Sage. Rocky retires from boxing because of brain damage which he received from his last fight. And then Pauly blows all their money so they're all poor again. This film tries to be more like the first Rocky film in the sense that it's poor Rocky back in Philadelphia, but that's really all we get from it.
Rocky never boxes in this movie. He trains a boxer, Tommy Gunn, who (with the help of one of the most annoying film characters ever, George Washington Duke) decides to leave him for more money. As expected, he wins the title, but then he's given all this crap because they say he wouldn't have been able to beat Rocky. So naturally, he wants to fight Rocky.
There's a stupid subplot about Rocky's son getting bullied at school. Pauly teaches him how to fight and he kicks the shit out of a guy at school. Great lesson, movie.
So eventually Rocky and Tommy fight, but outside a bar. Though Rocky wins, this fight proves absolutely nothing because it isn't boxing. It bears more resemblance to martial arts, actually.
Some might say this gets more shit than it deserves, but I say it deserves everything it gets. The fact that Rocky street fights alone would put this movie in my list, I think.
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