15. Jaws 3 (1983)
Jaws never should have had a sequel. It was a flawless movie and virtually sequel-proof, unless they just did the exact same plot again, which they did with Jaws 2. But here they decided to mix things up and have the shark attack a SeaWorld in the third installment. It’s as ridiculous as it sounds.
It was filmed to be 3D so it has some moments that just look absolutely ridiculous. There’s the part in the opening scene where the shark bites a fish in half which floats around in circles, opening and closing its mouth a bit. No doubt this is a cheap 3D ploy but it goes on forever and it’s just so stupid.
All the characters suck and all the kills suck. Someone is killed while closing a gate underwater and someone is killed in bumber boats, just to name a few.
The effects are laughable. There’s the scene where the shark swims into this underwater glass tunnel and it looks just awful. It’s like a completely static shark but it hits the glass and it shatters and a bunch of people get trapped underwater.
And the climax is one of the most hilarious things I’ve ever seen. The shark infiltrates this one underwater control center (with a person still in its mouth) and the two main characters try to hide while in their scuba suits. Eventually Dennis Quaid sees in the shark’s mouth that the person stuck in there has a grenade attached, so he pulls it with a pole thing and the shark explodes.
14. North (1994)
Film critic Roger Ebert’s most hated movie, North really has to be seen to be believed. Everything about it is just messed up. It’s a kid’s movie but is surprisingly disturbing in its stereotypes and overall heartlessness. And it’s obnoxious as well.
The plot is that a young Elijah Wood is sick of his parents and he auctions himself off to another family. He’s picked up by stereotype after stereotype including a Texas couple that sings to him in the rhythm of the “Bonanza” theme song and a family of Alaskans who live in an igloo and watch TV on a block of ice and for whatever reason send kind of old people off to die before their time, sort of a Lord of the Rings Undying Lands type thing.
The villain of this film comes out of nowhere. It turns out to be the kid who publishes the article by Elijah Wood. He ends up being pure evil actually, for reasons I can’t explain.
And don’t forget Bruce Willis in the movie. We first encounter Mr. Willis when he’s in a bunny suit. He turns up wherever Elijah Wood goes, for unexplained reasons, seemingly playing different characters.
13. Ed (1996)
It says a lot when Matt LeBlanc is out-acted in a film by a fake chimpanzee. Ed is one of those animal-plays-sport movies in the style of Air Bud and needless to say, it sucks.
One of the strangest things about this movie is that it kind of tries to be a serious friendship between the chimp and LeBlanc. The tagline for the film is “Minor Leagues. Major Friendship.” That’s strange. Usually a tagline for a film like this would be a cheap pun about “monkeying around” or “going bananas”.
Fuck this movie. It’s a random mess of jokes that don’t work and images that will leave you confused as to what just happened for hours. In one scene the mechanical chimpanzee—in a PG film, mind you—even gives the finger.
12. Super Mario Brothers (1993)
It’s an adaptation that rivals that of Beowulf in terms of its unfaithfulness. Bob Hoskins (British) and John Leguizamo (Hispanic of some kind) play the Italian plumbers Mario and Luigi. They leave from the normal dimension to the fucked-up dimension and have to save a princess from the evil Koopa.
Yes, Koopa. Not Bowser, Koopa. Koopa is basically a man with a tiny bit of reptilian make-up thrown in at the last minute, and he’s of course played by Dennis Hopper. A memorable performance to be sure.
Another interesting contradiction from the games are the Goombas. Goombas in the Mario universe are of course basically big heads with tiny or no bodies, and just feet. Here they’re played by giants but with tiny heads. Literally the exact opposite of what’s in the games.
There’s also Yoshi, who slightly resembles a velociraptor and certainly has none of the cartoonish characteristics that one would expect. In a moment of unnecessary violence, Yoshi actually eats one of the villains. No, not by pulling them in with his tongue, swallowing them, and laying an egg. By eating them.
Overall an extremely misguided film. Judging by the cliffhanger ending—a poorly constructed scene that makes no sense and tacks on a stupid theme about “needing to believe”—there were supposed to be sequels, but this was such a fucking mistake that the filmmakers appeared to have learned.
11. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993)
I could never outdo James Rolfe (aka the Angry Video Game Nerd) in his ripping this film of a new asshole, so I’m not going to try too hard.
This film sucks, though. It completely abandons the whole Shredder plot (you know, what made the first two movies good) and adopts a ridiculous time travel plot which sends the turtles back to ancient Japan.
Ninja turtles in ancient Japan. Makes sense…
The turtles are first revealed dancing ridiculously to “Can’t Stop Rocking” by ZZ Top. Not much to say.
Most notable in this movie is the awful dialogue, full of pointless cultural references and corny jokes. Among the notable lines are “It’s Star Trek time, guys”; “It’s hammer time” when a turtle hits a bad dude over the head; “You were expecting maybe the Addams family?”; “I think I swallowed a frog; I hope it wasn’t an ancestor”; “Legorama!” and the list goes on and on. Now it’s a TMNT movie so you may be able to excuse the corny jokes if there’s some decent action. But there’s not. Not at all. The action sucks and there’s very little of it.
If you want to see a funny video review of it which accurately portrays the offensiveness of this movie, check out this link: http://cinemassacre.com/2007/01/25/tmnt-part-1/
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