10. Monster a Go-Go (1965)
Monster a Go-Go is just a really cheaply put together film with an awful title and the worst ending to ever be put on film. The plot concerns an astronaut who disappears from his crash-landing and is somehow changed into a mutant monster with some terrible make-up. But the joy of this film comes from how it is structured.
Halfway through the film nearly all the cast completely changes, though the characters are nearly the same. It’s because they switched producers halfway through filming and couldn’t get the original cast back. It’s a very obvious continuity error.
I already blogged about the ending once but I can’t help but complain even more about it. They’re cornering the monster inside this one tunnel and then they come to the end of the tunnel and there’s nothing there. What the hell? Then they get a telegram saying that the astronaut was found and is recovering. And then the narrator implies that there wasn’t actually a monster, which makes no sense and is extremely stupid. This is the closing narration: “As if a switch had been turned, as if an eye had been blinked, as if some phantom force in the universe had made a move eons beyond our comprehension, suddenly, there was no trail! There was no giant, no monster, no thing called "Douglas" to be followed. There was nothing in the tunnel but the puzzled men of courage, who suddenly found themselves alone with shadows and darkness! With the telegram, one cloud lifts, and another descends. Astronaut Frank Douglas, rescued, alive, well, and of normal size, some eight thousand miles away in a lifeboat, with no memory of where he has been, or how he was separated from his capsule! Then who, or what, has landed here? Is it here yet? Or has the cosmic switch been pulled? Case in point: The line between science fiction and science fact is microscopically thin! You have witnessed the line being shaved even thinner! But is the menace with us? Or is the monster gone?”
I don’t get it.
9. Jason X (2001)
I first heard of Jason X and I thought it was a joke. Jason from the Friday the 13th franchise finds himself in space killing people. The plot just screams lack of creativity and so does the rest of the movie.
Ok. So Jason is captured and then just so we can have this shocking reveal, a guard throws a blanket over his face. More army people come in and they remove the blanket and it’s the dead guard. Wow. Didn’t see that coming. Jason goes on killing some people until he chases a woman into some kind of cryogenically freezing room. She puts him in his little pod thing that is freezing him, but he breaks it so the entire room becomes cryogenically frozen. Centuries later a team finds these people and this is when two horrible realities begin to sink in:
1. These stupid obnoxious characters are the protagonists of the film
2. This film pulls out a bunch of tricks from the future, bending the rules of reality to a point in which it is incredibly stupid and cannot be taken seriously
What I mean by the last point is that when they open the pod, Jason falls down and his machete cuts a dude’s arm off. Then they give him something and he grows it back.
On the ship headed to Earth 2 (ugh, I know) the leader of the people wants to study Jason and see how he was able to survive all that shit and be the most notorious killer of all time and they revive the woman. Naturally, Jason is revived (while people are having sex, of course) and he kills a woman in a somewhat cool way actually.
From this moment on it’s your average slasher schlock. But it’s not, it’s so much worse. The dialogue is pitiful; it has the worst one-liners I’ve ever heard, actually worse than Batman & Robin (albeit fewer). The special effects are sad. They’re not even on-par with a Sci-Fi Channel original movie or show. I guess now it’s Sy-Fy but whatever.
It’s notable that this movie features the dumbest person ever in a film. Jason comes to him and then stops and takes back his old machete. And then the dude’s all like “Oh, you only wanted your machete? Hey everyone, come on back, it’s alright, he was just killing everyone because he didn’t know where his machete was!” Needless to say he gets killed.
Another stupid scene that connects with number 2 in my horrible realizations comes when two dudes are walking around with guns. They’re attacked by a monster. I saw this monster and I burst out laughing; words can’t describe how bad it looked. Then it turns out it’s a virtual reality video game. Oh. Well that’s stupid. And of course, Jason comes in and they think he’s part of the virtual reality until he cuts someone in half.
There’s a showdown between this female android and Jason and she actually kicks his ass while spouting really bad one-liners.
To this date this is the only Friday the 13th movie I’ve seen and it’s just fucking horrible.
8. Batman & Robin (1997)
Speaking of Batman and Robin, this is commonly said to be the worst movie ever made. The director even apologized for it.
As if Batman Forever wasn’t campy enough, this basically goes for straight-up comedy, trying to mirror the tv show. Now I like the Batman tv show. It’s stupid but there’s something undoubtedly charming about it. Nothing is likable in this movie.
It contains the worst dialogue ever written. Everyone always complains about Mr. Freeze’s (Arnold Schwarzenegger) one-liners. Virtually everything he says is an icy pun. A few examples: “Cool party”, “What killed the dinosaurs? The ice age!”, “Alright, everyone, chill”, and believe me, there are plenty of others. But then there’s the unnecessary sexual puns by Poison Ivy (Uma Thurman) and the constant whining by Robin (Chris O’Donnell). The opening scene sets the tone for a ridiculously awful movie by zooming in on the infamous bat-nipples and bat-asses on the suits and then the first line of the movie from Robin comes: “I want a car. Chicks dig the car.” And then Batman (George Clooney) replies: “This is why Superman worked alone.”
If you aren’t pulling your hair out throughout the majority of this movie, you are not human. In addition to the dialogue and the bottom of the barrel performances by everyone involved (including Alicia Silverstone playing an American-accented young woman from Britain) the production values are just flat-out lazy. I’m not sure I’ve seen a worse green-screen effect when Alicia Silverstone is hanging from the thing, and that’s including old ‘50s movies where they show people driving. After Mr. Freeze tries to freeze the entire earth or whatever, a policeman opens his car door and the icicles on his door noticeably bend and bounce around like they were made of rubber. Interesting.
Another moment this film is frequently criticized for is the infamous Bat credit card. Batman and Robin get into an auction for Poison Ivy and Batman tops Robin by taking out his Bat credit card, complete with cash register sound effect like it’s the beginning of the Pink Floyd song “Money”.
The fight choreography is pathetic. In one scene when Clooney is kicking someone, you can clearly see that his foot isn’t coming close to the dude’s head.
There are more reasons than are able to be counted as to why everyone hates this movie.
7. Epic Movie (2007)
If you like references to other good, successful films, people falling down, people getting hit by stuff and then falling down, random cultural references completely lacking in satire, poor celebrity impersonations, predictable jokes, and jokes repeated about thirty or forty times throughout the movie, then you’ll probably enjoy Epic Movie, made by the postmodern Ed Woods: Friedberg and Seltzer.
Where do I begin? I’ve only seen this film once and there’s no doubt that unless I’m put into a North Korean prison camp, I’ll never see it again. I’m just going to list a few things that happen.
A terrible impersonation of Paris Hilton walks out of a store holding a small dog, says “I’m hot” and then a person falls on her. There’s a goat dude who for whatever reason has the movie Scarface on like 30 different tvs in his house. There are the three characters from Harry Potter but they’re all like 40 years old; they fall down. There’s a talking beaver and a woman kicks it, sending it flying through the air into a tree. There’s a terrible Da Vinci Code joke about Tom Hanks’s hair. Someone gets knocked down by a locker opening.
Because there is a God, the movie ends, but not until one of the most disturbing images I have ever seen pops on the screen. A terrible impersonation of Borat moons the fucking audience.
Friedberg and Seltzer have unfortunately gone on to make more, possibly worse films. I don’t know if that’s possible but I am avoiding their follow-up films because of that possibility.
This isn’t even good as a bad movie. It just lingers in your memory and just disturbs the hell out of you. Nothing is funny in it. Literally. I did not laugh once in the theater. I cringed and went “ewww” a hell of a lot more times, that’s for certain.
6. Troll 2 (1990)
An entire documentary has been made on this film being the worst ever made. That’s not too far off.
The plot is that this family goes on a vacation to this town called Nilbog (“Goblin” backwards) and they are encountered by the townspeople who are actually goblins in disguise, who want nothing more than to eat them, but in order to eat them they need to get them to eat green food which turns them into plants. Fuck it; there is no plot.
The boy has this telepathic connection to his dead grandpa or uncle or something and they both know there are goblins (not trolls, as the title implies) out and about. He tells him that they can’t eat any of the food. So the boy pees on their dinner table, all over the green food. Following this is my favorite line of the movie: “You can’t piss on hospitality!”
The boy has this telepathic connection to his dead grandpa or uncle or something and they both know there are goblins (not trolls, as the title implies) out and about. He tells him that they can’t eat any of the food. So the boy pees on their dinner table, all over the green food. Following this is my favorite line of the movie: “You can’t piss on hospitality!”
There are a lot of memorable scenes in this film. There’s that nerdy dude who realizes that “they’re eater her, and then they’re going to eat me! Oh my God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” If you haven’t seen that clip, then you probably have never been on YouTube; it’s been uploaded like five thousand times. There’s the corn on the cob sex scene where the evil Goblin witch transforms into a hot women and starts making out with a boy while they both eat corn on the cob. You may think it’ll make sense if you see it, but trust me, it doesn’t.
This is easily one of the worst-made movies I’ve ever seen. The acting, plot, and goblin costumes are good for some hearty laughs though.
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