30. The Country Bears (2002)
It shouldn’t be a surprise that a movie called The Country Bears sucks. This is living proof that movies should not be made based off of amusement park rides.
It’s about a bear who’s living with a family of humans and he doesn’t realized that he was adopted or anything. His brother is a complete unabashed asshole and eventually he learns that he’s a bear so he runs off or whatever and meets up with a bunch of bears who play country music.
Easily one of the most bizarre films—though one with no artistic merit—I can’t really explain this one too well. If you like people in lousy bear costumes singing country music and strumming acoustic guitars, you may very well like this movie. Since I am one of the 99.99999999% of people that doesn’t, I found this absolutely atrocious.
29. Air Bud: World Pup (2001)
I believe this was the first straight-to-video Air Bud movie and basically the budget for this movie was what you’d normally spend buying a library card. The first film was a solid kid’s movie and the second definitely took a step back. This film isn’t a step back; it’s a complete trip down an entire flight of stairs, breaking nearly every bone in its pathetically-constructed body and leaving puddles of blood.
This is of course one of those movies that was made because dogs are adorable, and that’s really it. The plot is that this boy falls in love with this chick who moves into his neighborhood who also has a golden retriever. There’s puppies or something like that and Buddy joins the soccer team.
The sport scenes are lazy. Seriously, it’s like the cinematography was by Zapruder or something. And then there’s this hokey plot about the puppies being kidnapped or something.
Brandi Chastain is in this movie and she wears her shirt the entire time. Also, there is nothing to do with a World Cup, as hinted at in the punny title. It’s probably useless to complain about a kid’s movie like this but it just sucked so much. I need someone to understand my pain.
28. The Santa Clause 2 (2002)
Somehow not straight-to-DVD, I had the unfortunate opportunity to see this on opening day of November 1, 2002, which is first of all far too early for a Christmas film to come out, but secondly this is one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen.
I don’t hold this film as “malicious”. I believe it kind of had a point in being made. Not a good one or anything, but you could tell the filmmakers tried. They got back like the entire cast from the first one—everyone from Charlie to Bernard—but this tried way too hard to outdo the first one.
Charlie’s basically a juvenile delinquent in high school now. It makes no sense. Why would the son of fucking SANTA CLAUS be an asshole?!
The plot follows Tim Allen (who would have been better off in prison) discovering a new thing in his clause that states that he needs to get married and have a Mrs. Claus. So for the rest of the movie there’s this awkward courtship going on that watching it I can’t help but feel like Alex from A Clockwork Orange, being tortured during the Ludovico technique. It’s so awkward, pointless, and ultimately painful to watch that I couldn’t help but put this movie in my list.
27. Beowulf (2007)
Oh boy, Beowulf. I saw this in theaters in like a special early premier or whatever with a bunch of people who read the book in high school (I had not yet, but I would a few years later) and the general consensus after the film was done was “WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!!!!”
The first problem with Beowulf is that it does not follow the original epic at all. I realize that the average person who sees this movie sees it because it’s got swords and dragons and stuff and they don’t even realize that Beowulf is one of the most influential works in western literature, but come on, at least bear some resemblance! Hey idiots, did you read it? Grendel doesn’t talk; he’s pure evil and has no character or depth to him whatsoever. And you fucks, the fact that Grendel’s mother is never physically described in the poem does NOT give you the right to make her some kind of erotic shape-shifter. And in no way on hell or earth is the dragon Beowulf’s son!
Those are the primary complaints about its infidelity to the original work, but I can go much further just to describe this as being awful as a movie alone. It’s one of those movies that’s CG but you almost can’t tell. The technology used in this movie is quite remarkable and I’d probably puke if I saw how much money went into this movie.
The film begins with a bunch of dudes drinking mead. The scene is interrupted by something I never thought I would have to see in my life and pray to God I never will again: a CG Anthony Hopkins’s robe constantly slipping down and revealing his ass. Why? What purpose did that serve in the movie? Anyways eventually Grendel comes and he looks kind of like the monkey from the first Pirates movie when he’s a skeleton. He kills people, tosses some tables around, and then the scene’s done. Then Beowulf arrives. Beowulf if voiced by a man who (primarily because of this movie, though not forgetting Indiana Jones 4) has become one of my least favorite actors in Hollywood: Ray Winstone. Just trust me when I say this is a huge step down from The Departed.
So Beowulf comes to the hall and he talks about how great he is and Unferth challenges him, saying something about how he sucks or whatever, and then eventually Grendel comes. Now what follows is one of the most disturbing person-on-monster fights I’ve ever seen. Why? Because Beowulf does it in the nude. In the poem Beowulf acknowledges that weapons are useless against the monster and that he wants to fight him without weapons or armor. The filmmakers must have read only the Old English version of the poem and interpreted this as Beowulf saying he would fight the monster naked. The scene is filled with awkward, out-of-place, Austin Powers humor, with the most random objects throughout the hall serving the purpose of hiding Beowulf’s junk. Now Beowulf of course wins by breaking off Grendel’s arm with the door and he screams for the first of 38 times: “I AM BEOWULF!!!!” I can’t help but thinking that’s just a desperate attempt of the filmmakers to remind you of what you’re technically watching, ‘cause it ain’t Beowulf, that’s for damn certain.
Okay, then we’ve got Beowulf going to Grendel’s mother’s cave and it turns out she’s a naked Angelina Jolie with a tail coming out of her hair. Instead of killing her, he has sex with her. The epitome of stupid right there.
So he’s back at the hall talking to King Hrothgar (Anthony Hopkins) and Hopkins said something that made me whisper to my brother: “Was Grendel this dude’s son?” I was laughed at.
Oh but it turns out Grendel was Hrothgar’s son! Wrap that around your head. Hrothgar commits suicide by jumping off the castle or whatever and at this point there was nothing but laughter from people who had read the poem.
After a really stupid battle scene that only serves as exposition to tell you how long Beowulf has now been king, the dragon (the son of Beowulf) attacks. He fights the thing in a completely unexciting scene that has him hanging and trying to reach the dragon’s heart with his sword but he can’t, and then he cuts off part of his arm and now he’s able to reach it and rip it out. To be honest, my explanation makes more sense than what was actually in the movie.
So the dragon dies and the movie ends on one of the dumbest cliffhangers that I’ve ever seen, involving Wiglaf seeing a presumably-naked Angelina Jolie in the water.
26. The Jungle Book 2 (2003)
Let’s be honest: the original wasn’t going to be topped. It’s thrilling, funny, got great music, and some of the best voice-acting in the entire canon.
What does the 36-year-later sequel have to offer? John Goodman as Baloo. And lots of repeated songs. “The Bare Necessities” is sung three times in this film.
So Mowgli’s back with that Indian chick he saw at the end of the first movie and they’re doing stuff or whatever. They’re living in a village but eventually Mowgli and Baloo meet up and then the chick goes out to look for them.
Do you want to know the main plot of the movie? Shere Khan wants to get back at Mowgli. That’s honestly all there is to it.
The humor is lacking, the climactic scene is one of the most ridiculous scenes I’ve witnessed—something about them banging on giant cymbals to like scare the tiger or confuse him or something, and repetitive and obnoxious music. That’s what you get what if you want to see this movie.
But let’s not forget about Smash Mouth! They were featured in this movie even though they had been insignificant since 2001.
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